Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
im six kinds of drunk right now
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
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