I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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