Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Randomize
