i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
me neither. i remember bell pepper tequila but not why or yelling
Hahaha, I forgot about doing shots out of the bell pepper
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
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