I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
Randomize
