he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
