im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
So random question. Does beer act the same as other alcohol disinfectants?
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
