I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.�
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
Randomize
