college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
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