I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Randomize
