Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Randomize
