Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Randomize
