he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
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