Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Randomize
