I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
Well the term Party is used loosely in this situation. Since it will just be mom wine drunk and us eating chips with multiple dips.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
Randomize
