so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
dude i have an english essay and a bio lab due tomorow
so basically your not goin out tonight?
who said that?
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
Randomize
