i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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