woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
A bitchslap is in order.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Randomize
