saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
Randomize
