distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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