I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
