The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
should my penis look like a turkey
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
It's not a walk of shame if you run
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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