Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
