im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Randomize
