That was rough. We had a 50% puke rate and 100% still drunk rate at lunch
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Randomize
