Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
