Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
Rub youre cunt and tell me you love me.
Your incorrect use of you're doesn't arouse me in the slightest.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Randomize
