woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
Randomize
