and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
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