Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
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