It's a miracle Ok Typing texts toYou right now
I looooooove Saturdays!!!!!!!
I am absolutely hammered
I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
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