I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Randomize
