I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
Randomize
