Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
Randomize
