you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Randomize
