Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
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