I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
I still have a little drunk in my system
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
Randomize
