Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
Randomize
