i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
Randomize
