My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
A good drinking club with a running problem, improves endurance in both I have observed this evening.
2 for 1 beer results in multiples of 2 so what should be a beer or two becomes 4 or 6. But running, alleviates the need for a DD.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
Randomize
