your life is more of a joke than dina lohan.
if you\'re going to compare me please pick the classy one. Michael Lohan.
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
Randomize
