His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
My boob is missing a layer of skin
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
