So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
Randomize
