Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
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