I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
Randomize
