babies were throwing up all over the place
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
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