when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
In anticipation of No Judgement Tuesday, I believe a Can We LOL At What We Did Last Night Saturday is in order
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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