I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
They took my balls.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
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