sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
