He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
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